The San Juans? Never heard of them. Until a moment ago. It’s friday. Another Friday. Another day. Friday harbour sounds interesting. A ride on a ferry would be different. A ride on the Friday Harbor Ferry? Sigh…. Maybe Washington State is the place for me. Never considered it; but still wondering where I belong. Been moving from here to there since the age of 9. Longing to find my home, you know, the place where I settle down, where the grand children know to find me. Don’t have grandchildren yet but someday I hope. In the next 10 years. My son is still young yet. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. But whenever grandchildren come I hope to be settled and happy and able to enjoy them.
Image Credit: jamieca
Dear diary, I am both excited and afraid at the same time. I am thinking about how my life is going to change. I feel like it’s going to change. I don’t know if it’s just one of those bi polar moments when my emotions are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I just have a feeling that my financial circumstances are going to change and I am excited but also afraid.
I guess what I’m fearing mostly is getting carried away and caught up the excitement of having money. I’ve been poor my entire life. I have never experienced financial freedom and I’m kind of afraid that once I start to make money I might lose my head a little bit and lose sight of the goals I have set for myself. Or else I’ll be so afraid of losing the money that I won’t want to touch it.
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I am thankful at this moment that I have awaken to a brand new day; that I got through a very difficult night last night with depression, and I have come out with renewed will to conquer my demons. I realized a moment ago that today is an opportunity, another opportunity, for me to do whatever I didn’t do yesterday that I wish I had done. Life gives you a new opportunity every day to get done what you wanted to do yesterday but never got around to doing. Wanted to clean the house yesterday but never got around to doing it? You can do it today. Wanted to go for a walk yesterday but never got around to doing it? Go for a walk today. Wanted spend some time with your loved ones yesterday but lost the opportunity? Well, as long as they are still with you and you are still with them, you’ve been given twenty-four new hours to work with. Take some time out of today and go spend it with your loved ones. Let go of yesterday. Yesterday is an opportunity lost and never to be gotten back. Today is an opportunity to seize. Grab hold and make the most you possibly can of it.
You can’t live your life in fear of risks. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Yesterday I went through filling out an application to create an account to start trading with real money; but when I came to the end of the process I was taken to a page that warned of the risks associated with forex trading and classified me in the high risk category, probably on the basis of my lack of trading experience. The funny thing about experience is that there’s only one way to get it and that’s to experience whatever it is you lack experience in by doing it; so lack of experience trading is not a reason not to trade. You have to start somewhere; but I chickened out after reading the warning that based on the answers in my application I was deemed at a higher risk to incur loss trading forex. I suppose I’m just not confident enough yet, which makes sense considering I’ve just started trying to learn.
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I’ve been focusing a great deal of attention on forex trading over the last few days; but I’m not sure yet that forex trading is the answer to my financial problems. While it does seem possible to make money in forex trading, I am not sure I could ever comprehend the ins and outs well enough to be unconcerned with the risks involved. The more time I spend browsing forex trading forums and reading forex trading blogs the clearer it becomes to me that forex trading is not an art you master in a couple of weeks time.
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Dear diary, my anxiety was out of control today and I overate. I feel disgusted with myself for being weak, but I know that the best thing to do at this point is to try to regroup because if I get angry and filled with self-loathing I’ll just continue to overeat out of frustration and depression. I’m also craving alcohol and that tells me that I might have developed a problem. I’ve never been a drinker, but if alcohol is purchased and brought into the house and I’m feel stressed I’ll drink it. Alcohol is so seldom brought into the house that the fact that I am craving alcohol tells me that I have indeed been using it as a way to relieve my stress at those times when it has been available. The times have been rare.
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Dear diary, I am already becoming disheartened with the whole forex bit. The deeper I dig the more it seems like the world of ‘retail’ forex trading is more heavily concentrated with scams than with legitimate currency trading opportunities. Oh well. It’s back to the drawing board I guess. I am still investigating etoro because I like their trading platform and if they are legitimate I might try my hands at trading some time down the road when I’ve set aside $500 I can afford to risk. I find it interesting though that by comparison to the number of people who actually search for information on forex trading every day, the number of websites related to forex trading is massive; and most of the sites are in some way designed primarily to capitalize on the growing interest in forex trading by the non-traders like me who happen to hear about forex trading and take an interest because of the suggested potential to make money.
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Dear diary, I am feeling something akin to disappointment but it’s nothing so deep that I can’t get over. As I was saying yesterday I found this forex trading program called etoro. I tried it out and found it interesting by comparison to 2 other forex trading platforms I demoed. I’ve been trading the USD against the CAD (United States dollar against the Canadian dollar) and the USD against the JPY (the United States dollar against the Japanese Yen). I’ve been having fun with it. The interface is right up my alley. I don’t do too well reading charts and graphs. The etoro interface makes it easy for an average capacity brain like mine to understand what is going on by making it plain as day. But as it turns out, etoro might be a scam. Such a shame.
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Dear diary, I am feeling energized and powerful right now, like I can I do anything. Maybe I am bi polar. I don’t think so, but I do know that by comparison to how I was feeling yesterday it’s incredible how different I feel today. And what’s interesting is that this happens to me every month and has been happening to me every month for years. People can dismiss it all they want but there’s a definite connection between my menstrual cycle and my state of mind; and I’m not talking PMS either. PMS trivializes the whole issue. I’m not talking about bad moods vs good moods. I’m talking about something far more profound. But I won’t get into it right now. Maybe another time. Right now I’m mock trading forex using the etoro platform. I’ve issued an order to buy the Canadian dollar against the US dollar. I’ve put up $1000 mock dollars.
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It’s not really a manic monday per se. I woke up at 4Am today and did some writing until 7AM. Then I did some work until 9:30AM. At 9:30 I went and made myself some tea and had half of a slice of wheat bread; then I did a little inventory taking so-to-speak. Then I decided to take a break to go watch a little tennis (Wimbledon 2008 is in progress), but I fell asleep and woke up again less than an hour ago. I suppose you could say I’ve just begun my day. I barely remember the hours from 4AM to 11AM but that’s an entire 7 hours of work I completed before falling asleep for 2.5 hours and it feels like I’ve just awaken. I had my shower and have dressed for going to the mall with my son. If we make it I plan to pick up a few books about forex trading because I want to learn about the foreign exchange and currency trading. I explain why in Learning Forex trading. My reason is not profound. I’ve just been doing some work for a new client and have developed an interest in the subject as a result.
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