There was a time in my life when I would call myself a fat pig while weighing under 110 pounds. I can remember distinctly one occasion when I felt like the world had come to an end because I got on a scale and it told me I weighed 108 pounds. I wanted to die. I couldn’t believe I had gotten so fat. I’d gained 10 pounds and I was so embarrassed and ashamed. It’s funny because a few years ago while on paxil I went all the way to 150 pounds, and until my family came for a visit and started commenting on the dramatic difference in my weight, I didn’t realize I was fat. I was walking around dressed in sexy clothes and feeling sexier than I had ever felt in my entire life. But once my family drew my attention to the fact that I was fat in their eyes that all changed.
I was taking paxil for depression and anxiety and while on paxil my life had improved, obviously, because I was weighing 150 pounds and feeling sexy. But once other people told me that I was feeling sexy but looking fat, I stopped taking paxil. I lost the weight I’d gained but I also lost the confidence I’d gained. I got back my skinny figure and my depression and anxiety. Yes, I chose being skinny over being happy, feeling confident and feeling good about myself, and I made this choice because of other people.
My entire life has been spent trying to stay skinny so that no one can ever justifiably call me fat. I’m no longer skinny because starving myself has gotten harder as I’ve gotten older and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. Although not diagnosed, I believe I have some hormone issues that cause me to gain weight more rapidly these days, and being under constant stress I’ve picked up a habit for constantly eating. With all that my weight now fluctuates between 129 and 140 pounds. Once upon a time that would have been unheard of. I couldn’t have lived with myself weighing 108 pounds much less 130. But I’ve come to realize that I never really have a problem with myself unless I am in the presence of my family. I am quite comfortable with my size and love the shape of my body. Yes, sometimes I gain excess fat in places where I don’t like to have excess fat, so I modify my habits to loose that excess; but I don’t have any real need to be skinny unless family will be visiting. Then I am obsessed about my weight because I know they will be taking notice of my size and commenting that I’ve gained weight.
Why is it that some women react to being told they’ve gained weight as if it’s the worse thing in the world? People gain weight. Weight gain is nothing to want to kill yourself over. Just the same way you gained weight you can lose it by doing the opposite of what you did to gain it. And forget about other people and what they think. Live your life. It’s more important to be happy and to feel good about yourself; and if you’re happy and feel good about yourself don’t let someone else’s opinion that you have nothing to feel good about because you’re fat have so much relevance and importance that you stop feeling happy and stop feeling good because someone else thinks only skinny people have reason to be happy and to feel good about themselves.