Imagine not being able to come up with $235 to get your bank account out of the deficit? Why would you prefer to be poor? No one would prefer to be poor. It’s depressing being poor. My first words to myself most mornings when I wake up are “you can’t kill yourself”. The significance of that is that I wake up most mornings thinking I should just kill myself. Call me pathetic. The fact is, the only time I feel at ease and ready to face the day is when I don’t have money problems hanging over my head. Even if I don’t have extra money lying around I can breathe more freely knowing the bills are all paid and I have another 20 or so days to raise the money to pay the bills the next month. Of course I don’t prefer to live like that; but if I can’t have extra money at least let me have enough to cover the bills. Then, I can keep away the panic that makes me think killing myself might be the solution to my problems.
I admit sometimes I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel like I don’t have anything going for me. Those are the times when I struggle most with thoughts of suicide because I feel like I’d rather be dead than forever be a nobody with nothing. I am perfectly well aware that one doesn’t need to have money to feel filled with hope and worthy, but for me everthing is tied to my success or failure and my success or failure is determined by having or not having money at this point. If my goal was to finish my novel and I managed to finish my novel, then with or without money to show for it I would feel like a success. Right now my goal happens to be to make money so for as long as I continue to struggle and find myself with no money when I need money I see myself as failing. Failure depresses me.