Fighting with my emotions trying not to think about health problems and money problems and dreaming of Alessandria

If it seems to you like I sit around dreaming all day, I really don’t. Almost every minute of my day, every day of the week, is spent actively in the pursuit of my goal to overcome poverty. It might not appear that way. After all, I spend a great deal of time here writing quite a bit of nonsense. If I’m off at pretend-shopping I can’t possibly be working very hard to make money can I? Proof of that is in my earnings. No one earns five cents for 17 hours of hard work; but I do work very hard; and even my pretend-shopping over at horchows is part of the process for me.

I live with clinical depression, and depending on which former therapist you ask, agoraphobia and social anxiety disorder. I have, at last count, 3 large fibroids that were big enough to get me scheduled for a hysterectomy. I was too terrified to go through with the hysterectomy. Back in July I tried to starve the fibroids away and thought I’d manage to get them to go down, but my stomach has since swelled to where I’m convinced new fibroids have grown and the previous 3 have increased in size. Unfortunately I no longer have the means to see a doctor about my health. Meanwhile, insane things which I will not mention on account of them being a little too personal, are happening to my body every day because of the fibroids, and it’s turning my mind into it’s own little psyche ward. Add that to my daily struggle to get out of my financial rut and it might not be that difficult to understand why I sometimes have to fight to block out images of hanging myself.

I could fall over the edge at any time, but every day I get up and I fight. Even if I fall down and stay down curled up in a ball of misery for ten minutes, once I get up I go back into the ring and continue the fight. What am I going to do give up? Who’s going to fight for me then?

At the end of this struggle, whenever this all ends, there is one thing no one will ever be able to accuse me of and that is “not fighting”. We don’t always win fights. I don’t know if I’ll win this one, but I’d have to say that I have a pretty good chance, because I’ve been knocked down about a million times and you know what? For all the times I’ve been knocked down I’ve gotten up and kept on fighting.

No matter what battles life throws you into, as long as you keep on fighting you will always have a chance at coming out the victor.

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