I have awoken this morning with my head on Channel hopeless. The programs that air on that channel are, as you can imagine, motivation deflating. Thoughts like, how am I ever going to get out of this place when I’m totally talentless, completely stupid, ugly, and no longer worth even a one-dollar bill if I were to consider going the sugar daddy route to riches? It’s a perfectly beautiful, sunny Saturday morning. There’s so much I could do with today instead of the usual. But I’ve programmed myself to believe that nothing is worth doing if I don’t have money to do exactly what I want to do, or if I don’t look good enough in my estimation to be seen in public.
A day like this is perfect for the beach for example, but I don’t have a car, and the nearest beach is too many miles away for it to make practical sense to take a cab there. With the first of the month around the corner and still being short of the $930 due for rent, spending $100 to go to the beach would be the height of stupidity. It would probably be the height of stupidity to spend $100 in cab fare to go to the beach for a couple of hours even if we did have the money to spend.
There are other things I could do just to do something with my day so I’m not inside the house all day as usual; but I can already hear that voice in my head complaining about the fibroids that have grown in my stomach and the fact that I’ve gained some extra weight in the last few weeks, so my clothes don’t feel comfortable and when I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes all I can ever think about is how ugly and uncomfortable I feel. I’m always self-conscious about my stomach protruding. It’s not a problem I’ve ever had before the fibroids, and I can’t get to adjust to it. And I’m always thinking I look fat and unattractive and it depresses me. So I’m never motivated to go out because I don’t think I look good enough.
These are the kinds of things that occupy my thoughts generally. Thoughts about being fat and ugly, poor and stupid and worthless. Then I can never understand why my life is the way it is where I never have money, I’m always binge eating, and my hygiene is questionable at best. I need to stop listening to the hopeless channel. It’s not like I’ve managed to get an audience or anything. No one has subscribed to hear all my depressing talk. No one’s listening. That means the hopeless channel is a bust and I keep investing in it day after day. Maybe that could be the first smart thing I do in 20 years; admit that the hopeless channel has cost me dearly and continues to drain me of mental and emotional energy. I need to realize once and for all that nothing positive can come from keeping this channel on the air.
If I’m going to have someone chatting in my brain 24/7 she needs to be saying things that make me feel good about life, and about myself, and makes me want to live and believe I can do anything whether I’m skinny and beautiful, fat and ugly or hanging somewhere in between. Then maybe I can overcome this poverty and all the ugliness that come with it.