I am thankful at this moment that I have awaken to a brand new day; that I got through a very difficult night last night with depression, and I have come out with renewed will to conquer my demons. I realized a moment ago that today is an opportunity, another opportunity, for me to do whatever I didn’t do yesterday that I wish I had done. Life gives you a new opportunity every day to get done what you wanted to do yesterday but never got around to doing. Wanted to clean the house yesterday but never got around to doing it? You can do it today. Wanted to go for a walk yesterday but never got around to doing it? Go for a walk today. Wanted spend some time with your loved ones yesterday but lost the opportunity? Well, as long as they are still with you and you are still with them, you’ve been given twenty-four new hours to work with. Take some time out of today and go spend it with your loved ones. Let go of yesterday. Yesterday is an opportunity lost and never to be gotten back. Today is an opportunity to seize. Grab hold and make the most you possibly can of it.
You can’t live your life in fear of risks. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Yesterday I went through filling out an application to create an account to start trading with real money; but when I came to the end of the process I was taken to a page that warned of the risks associated with forex trading and classified me in the high risk category, probably on the basis of my lack of trading experience. The funny thing about experience is that there’s only one way to get it and that’s to experience whatever it is you lack experience in by doing it; so lack of experience trading is not a reason not to trade. You have to start somewhere; but I chickened out after reading the warning that based on the answers in my application I was deemed at a higher risk to incur loss trading forex. I suppose I’m just not confident enough yet, which makes sense considering I’ve just started trying to learn.
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I’ve been focusing a great deal of attention on forex trading over the last few days; but I’m not sure yet that forex trading is the answer to my financial problems. While it does seem possible to make money in forex trading, I am not sure I could ever comprehend the ins and outs well enough to be unconcerned with the risks involved. The more time I spend browsing forex trading forums and reading forex trading blogs the clearer it becomes to me that forex trading is not an art you master in a couple of weeks time.
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Dear diary, my anxiety was out of control today and I overate. I feel disgusted with myself for being weak, but I know that the best thing to do at this point is to try to regroup because if I get angry and filled with self-loathing I’ll just continue to overeat out of frustration and depression. I’m also craving alcohol and that tells me that I might have developed a problem. I’ve never been a drinker, but if alcohol is purchased and brought into the house and I’m feel stressed I’ll drink it. Alcohol is so seldom brought into the house that the fact that I am craving alcohol tells me that I have indeed been using it as a way to relieve my stress at those times when it has been available. The times have been rare.
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Dear diary, I am already becoming disheartened with the whole forex bit. The deeper I dig the more it seems like the world of ‘retail’ forex trading is more heavily concentrated with scams than with legitimate currency trading opportunities. Oh well. It’s back to the drawing board I guess. I am still investigating etoro because I like their trading platform and if they are legitimate I might try my hands at trading some time down the road when I’ve set aside $500 I can afford to risk. I find it interesting though that by comparison to the number of people who actually search for information on forex trading every day, the number of websites related to forex trading is massive; and most of the sites are in some way designed primarily to capitalize on the growing interest in forex trading by the non-traders like me who happen to hear about forex trading and take an interest because of the suggested potential to make money.
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Dear diary, I am feeling something akin to disappointment but it’s nothing so deep that I can’t get over. As I was saying yesterday I found this forex trading program called etoro. I tried it out and found it interesting by comparison to 2 other forex trading platforms I demoed. I’ve been trading the USD against the CAD (United States dollar against the Canadian dollar) and the USD against the JPY (the United States dollar against the Japanese Yen). I’ve been having fun with it. The interface is right up my alley. I don’t do too well reading charts and graphs. The etoro interface makes it easy for an average capacity brain like mine to understand what is going on by making it plain as day. But as it turns out, etoro might be a scam. Such a shame.
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Dear diary, I am feeling energized and powerful right now, like I can I do anything. Maybe I am bi polar. I don’t think so, but I do know that by comparison to how I was feeling yesterday it’s incredible how different I feel today. And what’s interesting is that this happens to me every month and has been happening to me every month for years. People can dismiss it all they want but there’s a definite connection between my menstrual cycle and my state of mind; and I’m not talking PMS either. PMS trivializes the whole issue. I’m not talking about bad moods vs good moods. I’m talking about something far more profound. But I won’t get into it right now. Maybe another time. Right now I’m mock trading forex using the etoro platform. I’ve issued an order to buy the Canadian dollar against the US dollar. I’ve put up $1000 mock dollars.
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It’s not really a manic monday per se. I woke up at 4Am today and did some writing until 7AM. Then I did some work until 9:30AM. At 9:30 I went and made myself some tea and had half of a slice of wheat bread; then I did a little inventory taking so-to-speak. Then I decided to take a break to go watch a little tennis (Wimbledon 2008 is in progress), but I fell asleep and woke up again less than an hour ago. I suppose you could say I’ve just begun my day. I barely remember the hours from 4AM to 11AM but that’s an entire 7 hours of work I completed before falling asleep for 2.5 hours and it feels like I’ve just awaken. I had my shower and have dressed for going to the mall with my son. If we make it I plan to pick up a few books about forex trading because I want to learn about the foreign exchange and currency trading. I explain why in Learning Forex trading. My reason is not profound. I’ve just been doing some work for a new client and have developed an interest in the subject as a result.
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Dear Diary, I am depressed. Honestly, I am feeling suicidal. I can understand what drives some people to that point where they feel like there’s no other answer. By comparison to the dilemmas that some people face though, my problem is hardly big. At least I don’t think it’s big, although I’m a bit afraid it could become big. I am hoping it won’t.
What I need to do is take a deep breath. Accept that I made a mistake and let it go for now because I really can’t do anything about it right now. It’s pointless to be depressed and it is even more pointless to be thinking about suicide. What will killing myself do, protect me from having to be embarrassed, from having to face the music, from having to say yes I messed up yet again? Sigh….
I messed up, but it’s okay. Everything is going to be fine. I’ll get over it. Life will go on; and I’ll still have to figure out how to pay my server bill on Tuesday.
Dear Diary, I still haven’t managed to come up with any money; but I’m not going to worry about it. Why worry? I’m tempted to panic but why panic? I’m tempted to curse God but why? Whose fault is it other than my own that I am not making money? Yes I work. I work very hard for long hours. I’m always actively working. I never take a break. Just ask my son and my husband; but what difference does it make? I’m not making any money except for the occasional website sale or the occasional ad sale. It’s really depressing but I refuse to be depressed because when you’re depressed you do stupid things like overeat; and I’ve already had more than half of the 500 calories I’m allowed to eat today. I’m tempted to be negative but what will it help me to start complaining? It’s father’s day today and my son is paying for us to take the hubby to the movies. I’m not really looking forward to it. I’m just not in a great mood. But I’ll try my best not to ruin the day for everybody.
30 minutes later….
The movies are off. Hubby doesn’t think it’s a good idea given the current state of finances despite the fact that my son was going to pay. I’m tempted to think he just doesn’t want to go out with us. Whatever. I just finished doing some dance aerobics so the endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds otherwise known as endorphins are preventing me from reacting badly. I didn’t really want to go anywhere with him anyway. Those trips are usually disastrous.
