It is 8:20AM.
I am trying to contain the panic that’s threatening to rise, while at the same time trying to ward off self-pitying thoughts.
Sometimes it’s easy to look out at what everyone else has and feel like even less by comparison.
I was doing that a moment ago. I was looking at other websites that are enjoying success and feeling like I’m wasting my time with mine.
I was allowing myself to think thoughts like: ” you don’t have any talent”, “you completely lack intelligence”, “you’re an idiot”, “no one is interested in anything you have to say”, “you have nothing to say that is of value”, “you’re stupid”, “you’re a loser”, “you’re dull and vapid and completely uninteresting”.
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It’s 5:03 AM Tuesday October 7th 2008. I am in a confused, worried state of mind. I’ve been awake for an hour now. The hubby has gone off to work.
What am I confused and worried about?
I’m worried about money and confused about how to solve my financial problems.
I woke up this morning with the following thought in my head:
“Wellness is not going to come seeking you. You have to go out and seek it.”
I wasn’t feeling good when I woke up this morning. My chest was congested with feelings of dejection and hopelessness. It’s unfortunate to wake up feeling depressed; but I guess the important thing is to get up and do something about it. You have to get up and actively seek to find ways to make yourself feel better. You’re not going to feel better by just sitting around and focusing your thoughts and energy on how depressed and hopeless you feel.
So I am going to make every effort to actively focus on fighting my depression, panic, fears, confusion, worries and everything threatening my mental health today.
Image: Love your life art print by Claudina Sarah Williams
It’s 7:00AM. I have now been awake for 3 hours and have been working steadily since. Yes, this blog is also work for me. It’s another website venture. I started it 4 months ago. The first month I made $26.47, the second month $17.19, the third month $27.48 , and last month $20.66 counting money earned strictly from advertising. Obviously I’m not making a killing. I work every day of the week, so if you calculate my daily income from this site using a 30 day month you can see I’m making less than a dollar per day.
Sadly, of the small handful of websites I have left in my portfolio, this is currently my most profitable. Warrants a mighty guffaw doesn’t it? Go ahead, have a hearty one; but I’m not convinced completely yet that I’m going through all this for nothing. I’m getting close to being convinced; but there’s still a little belief left.
In the title of this post I state that “You’re not going to succeed in life because other people believe in you – you’ll succeed because you believe in yourself”. Of course it can do wonders for your self-belief when other people believe in you. Conversely, when no one beleives in you believing in yourself gets that much more difficult; but at the end of the day, it’s your own self-belief of lack of self-belief that will determine whether or not you achieve your goals in life.
Image: Believe Fine Art print by Smith-Haynes via art.com
Writing has been my passion since the age of eleven; but I have never made any money to speak of as a writer. Many of you might conclude that the reason is because my writing sucks. Who knows? Maybe you’re right.
I conducted some research a few weeks back, and it seems more people hate this blog than like it. I guess my lack of personality comes through in my writing and that’s not a very good thing when you’re writing a blog. Blogs need to have personality to be successful; and the personality needs to be appealing. I don’t think people who stumble across my blog find my blog personality any more appealing than people who know me find my real life personality appealing.
If your blog doesn’t appeal you won’t make a living from it and I admit that’s what I had hoped to do with this blog. I’ve created and sold a number of blogs over the last couple of years. This one is becoming a bit more personal than I had intended and I suppose that’s why it’s not making me any money. My personality is just not conducive to money-making.
It’s interesting because I used to think I was a very interesting person and a very good writer and that these two qualities would result in fortune at the very least. I’m not quite sure what happened but these days I don’t have the same self-belief. I guess when you keep finishing every day with less than a dollar in earnings after working 17 or 18 hours, you start to measure your worth in fractions of pennies.
I know people don’t understand me. If it’s as bad as I say why don’t I just go get a job? I won’t try to make anyone understand my position. I work for myself and that is all there is to that. Right now, and for the last year I’ve been struggling. It’s been my worse year in a while. Things are pretty bad. I imagined hanging myself today – just for a second. I don’t know what’s going to happen beyond this moment, but all I can do right now is keep on writing. It makes no difference if no one likes my writing. I’m not writing to please anyone right now. I’m writing to save my life; and also to get to Alessandria where I’ll finally have that luxury bathroom I’ve been wanting for years.
Image: Cracked Dreams by Julianne Hide via Flickr
It has been a more difficult day today than yesterday. I have realized that when things are starting to feel out of control I tend to refuse to allow myself to breathe, almost as if I feel I don’t deserve to be relieved from the stress and anxiety.
Note to self: I must learn to allow myself to breathe.
If you focus only on the words themselves then it seems almost insultingly simplistic to tell people that they have the power to change their lives simply by changing their thoughts. Think you’re a rich woman and you’ll become a rich woman. Visualize wealth and wealth will be miraculously manifested.
“Your thoughts are magical” almost seems to be the message in books like “The Secret”. If you think your life abounds with wealth then the law of attraction dictates that wealth will come to you.
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Being a woman can be tough. Being a woman who is unfulfilled can be even tougher. You get up everyday to the same reality. You’re not happy with yourself. You’re not happy with your life. You want more, but you’re not sure you’ll ever have more. Life can be discouraging; but the worse thing you can do is allow yourself to lose your inspiration. Keep fighting to stay inspired. Staying inspired is the key, and there are numerous things that can inspire you if you actively seek inspiration. It could be as simple as looking at a pretty picture. Pink is usually an inspiring color so here are some pictures of pink things to get you started.
Why not allow yourself a pink moment today?
Images: jurvetson | tanakawho | jbcurio | decor8
It is said that art has the capacity to aide in supporting wellness in people struggling with stress, depression and other mental and emotional imbalances. Here are some images of paintings I’ve recently viewed on flickr. I hope they add some color and light to your day.
Of course art is subjective so you might not like the works I’ve selected. You could always find a virtual art gallery or art store or other art source and spend a few minutes looking at some pictures. It might inspire you.
Images: lawtonchiles | josef.stuefer | arquera | freeparking | Randy Son Of Robert |
It can be hard to get through a day sometimes; but somehow you always manage to get through the days that seem impossible to endure.
When you start to feel like you just can’t take much more of whatever it is you’re fighting to cope with, just breathe. You’ll get through this day into the next just like you got through yesterday into today and the day before yesterday into yesterday.
Image Credit: Herny_Bahus
Usually having an unbalanced mind means having an unhealthy body in some way shape or form. Whether it’s that your lack of mental balance leads to over-eating and consequently a battle with weight problems, development of heart disease, diabetes or other health issues that result from your compulsive over-eating; or it’s lung cancer, liver disease or other health problem that results from using cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and other substances that are harmful to the body to cope with your unsettled mind, the connection between a healthy mind and a healthy body or an unhealthy mind and an unhealthy body cannot be denied.
Anything that you can do daily to maintain mental balance will be good for your over all health. When your mind is alert and positively focussed you’re less likely to do things that are in any way self-destructive; so taking care of your mind is the first step in taking care of your body.
I haven’t yet purchased Richard Burr‘s Guided Mindfulness Meditation CD. I came across his site only today and the reason I am interested in his CD is because it seems to be echoing some conclusions I have previously come to myself about the importance of being “aware” in every moment, or as much as is possible to be aware in every moment. So I plan to get the CD to see if I might find it useful.
Richard Burr, according to the information on his website, specializes in spiritual guidance and works at Promises Treatment Center in Malibu, California.
Image: Buddha – Author : Eric Pouhier Date : June 2005 – Used in conjunction with Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.5 license
