Dear Diary, I am depressed. Honestly, I am feeling suicidal. I can understand what drives some people to that point where they feel like there’s no other answer. By comparison to the dilemmas that some people face though, my problem is hardly big. At least I don’t think it’s big, although I’m a bit afraid it could become big. I am hoping it won’t.

What I need to do is take a deep breath. Accept that I made a mistake and let it go for now because I really can’t do anything about it right now. It’s pointless to be depressed and it is even more pointless to be thinking about suicide. What will killing myself do, protect me from having to be embarrassed, from having to face the music, from having to say yes I messed up yet again? Sigh….

I messed up, but it’s okay. Everything is going to be fine. I’ll get over it. Life will go on; and I’ll still have to figure out how to pay my server bill on Tuesday.

Dear Diary, I still haven’t managed to come up with any money; but I’m not going to worry about it. Why worry? I’m tempted to panic but why panic? I’m tempted to curse God but why? Whose fault is it other than my own that I am not making money? Yes I work. I work very hard for long hours. I’m always actively working. I never take a break. Just ask my son and my husband; but what difference does it make? I’m not making any money except for the occasional website sale or the occasional ad sale. It’s really depressing but I refuse to be depressed because when you’re depressed you do stupid things like overeat; and I’ve already had more than half of the 500 calories I’m allowed to eat today. I’m tempted to be negative but what will it help me to start complaining? It’s father’s day today and my son is paying for us to take the hubby to the movies. I’m not really looking forward to it. I’m just not in a great mood. But I’ll try my best not to ruin the day for everybody.

30 minutes later….

The movies are off. Hubby doesn’t think it’s a good idea given the current state of finances despite the fact that my son was going to pay. I’m tempted to think he just doesn’t want to go out with us. Whatever. I just finished doing some dance aerobics so the endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds otherwise known as endorphins are preventing me from reacting badly. I didn’t really want to go anywhere with him anyway. Those trips are usually disastrous.

Dear diary, I had no idea today was Friday. It’s Friday the 13th no less. Not that I believe this date has any real significance. It’s pretty sunny outside already just after 8 o’clock in the morning. I’ve finished my morning yoga session. Yes, I mean my fake yoga. I’ve never taken a yoga class so I don’t want to call what I do yoga because someone might then ask for the name of some stance I’m executing and my stances don’t have names. I just stretch my limbs, stand on my head, do some handstands and other poses as I try to calm my mind and untie knots in my perpetually wound up mind and body.

Mentally I’m feeling more tempted to worry than I am feeling actual worry. I am facing the same money problems today as yesterday and the day before. I have a bill that must be paid that will be due in a few days and I don’t have any money to pay it; but at the present moment I don’t feel panicked. I am trying to sell a handful of websites. I have 5 in all that I am trying to sell. They are not worth much on the market but anything is possible. I might be able to come up with $200 – $300. Sad isn’t it? But it is what it is. I need to pay my server bill as my websites provide the only reasonable hope of earning income at this time. I can’t afford to lose the server because that would mean losing the websites.

I am waiting for 9 o’clock to have some Salada brand Chai green tea. I am looking forward to it actually. Not sure how I’ll be passing the day outside of the usual updating of the websites I manage and trying to see what I can do about making some money. Maybe I’ll try again to work on my novel. Yesterday’s effort didn’t yield much. I can’t understand why I continue to struggle so with something I used to do so effortlessly and passionately.

Went to bed with money on my mind and woke up with money on my mind. I didn’t make any money yesterday. I am running out of time before I have to pay $190 for the the dedicated server I’ve been renting for 5 or 6 years now. I don’t even have $190. What a total shame. My savings account and my 2 checking accounts are down to nothing. 0.12 cents in the savings, $10.55 in the main checking and 0.00 in my second checking account. I have a number of different Internet accounts and the funds in those accounts are as follows:

1. $41.45 in account #1
2. $3.84 in account #2
3. $7.07 in account #3
4. $86.15 in account #4

I can’t touch the account with $86.15 for a bit so the money it contains won’t help me out. I also have a sharebuilder account but it’s such a joke I don’t even need to check to see if maybe Sirius satellite raido stock has turned around so that I can sell some of my shares to help accumulate the funds I need. I had some fractions of shares of Google stock but had to sell that when I found myself in a similar predicament. The other stock I own negligible shares of are equally as worthless as Sirius. My stock portfolio is an excellent reflection of how much I know about stocks and investing.

Am I scared about my financial predicament? Yes. Very. But I can’t curl into a ball, pull a blanket over my head and sob while trembling. That’s not going to make money appear. I also can’t turn to my former sugar daddy as he bailed me out last month by purchasing a print from me and he’s bailed me out numerous other times while not getting more than an electronically delivered thank you. I need to come up with the money I need on my own, and I need to come up with it by Wednesday.

I am still trying to maintain a positive focus and to believe in myself despite the temptation to doubt that it’s possible for me to achieve financial success. A big part of my problem is that I don’t really have any expert skill that I can easily capitalize on.

So far this year I’ve been making money developing and selling websites. I’ve been able to sell most of the sites that I’ve tried to sell, but I didn’t make much money from the sales because the sites weren’t prime virtual real estate. I still own a number of websites that I’m developing for sale but I seem to lack a key skill that separates the people making significant money in virtual real estate sales from the ones like me for whom this business would only be worthwhile with thousands of websites for sale every month. As it stands I can’t afford to develop thousands of websites at a time and what it’s costing to grow a site to the point of being worth a few hundred dollars is proving to be more than I’m getting for the sites at the end of the day. So unless I can figure out a way to increase the value of the sites I develop and reduce the cost to develop them, I need to find another means for making money.

I’ve tried capitalizing on my artistic skills, but I’ve had no luck selling my art prints on Ebay. I’ve tried putting my computer programming skills to use by developing and selling software. I made enough money for a few years to keep the bills paid, but I couldn’t deal with the stress and eventually quit. So what am I left with? My lifelong dream has always been to be a bestselling author, but my depression has done what appears to be permanent damage to my imagination. I don’t dream up stories and people any more and the ones I dreamed up when I used to live to write, although they are still alive in my soul somewhere I can’t convince myself that anyone will give a damn about them and their story. Besides, it’s not as easy for me to write fiction as it used to be. Depression killed a lot of my brain cells.

So if I can’t turn my web development and computer programming skills into millions, and I can’t turn my art and writing into millions, what am I going to do? How am I going to make money? For some women money is something they look to a man to provide. Even if I were one of those women, I married a man who is content making under $2000 per month. I’m not going to become rich through my husband and that has never been my goal or my dream. If I am to become a rich woman, to join the ranks of women with money, it is something I am going to have to do through my own efforts; and I’m all prepared to do it. I have never been short on desire or short on ambition to succeed; but success continues to thwart me and while I continue fighting the temptation to believe I just don’t have what it takes, it is quite honestly getting more difficult every day.

I am in the middle of a creative visualization, manifestation experiment. What I am about to write is true in my altered reality:

I am rich and my life is wonderful. My husband is incredible. He’s the most handsome man on the planet. At the moment he’s waiting in our incredibly spacious bedroom wearing my favorite white lounge pants and shirt. He’s reclining on our plush Kreiss sectional from the Agassi Graf collection reading Atlas Shrugged. He looks so very intelligent in his reading glasses. He is waiting for me to finish this post and come to bed. He wants to make love. I am not particularly in the mood myself but I don’t like to deny him too frequently. He’s so good about respecting my feelings when it comes to that matter, and it has been a couple of weeks. It might be good for me to try to have a little fun anyway.

I am in the adjoining den where I do my blogging in the evenings. I am seated at a beautiful mahogany desk. The room smells richly of pine. It’s a spacious room. One wall is lined with book shelves and stacked with books. I am feeling at peace. Happy. Rich.

Dear Diary, I am feeling a bit depressed about my money situation. I’m getting really tired of not being financially secure in life. I’ve realized that my money problems are largely responsible for the depressed state in which I’ve been living for years now. I’ve been feeling worthless because I don’t have money and have consequently been living at the level of poverty with people who I don’t regard to be better than me in any way having the ability to look down on me by virtue of living on a higher rung on the ladder of success.

I know I should not be concerning myself with how other people regard me, whether they think they are better than I am or what, but it does cause me an extreme amount of frustration knowing that, until I get enough money to climb to a higher rung on the ladder, these people will always be able to look down on me and will always have reason to believe they are better. And it isn’t just the money factor either. It’s everything else that comes with being at the very bottom and struggling with your self-worth because of it.

When you’re at the bottom, you choose the people and things you’ll surround yourself with from the same rung you occupy. The bottom.

But I’m feeling sorry for myself and that is not going to help me in any way. I need money. I work hard and I deserve to have the money to show for it. I’ve had enough of this working 500 hours per month for $500 if I’m lucky. Enough!

Dear Diary, I am fasting today. Or at least I plan on fasting today. Don’t know how successful I’ll be. So far so good, but, I had to stop myself twice already when I had an impulse to go to the kitchen. I had to remind myself that I’m supposed to be fasting. And it’s only 8:55AM. I can tell this is going to be very difficult.

It’s amazing because I used to have excellent control over my eating. It was the way I was able to stay weighing 90 – 100 pounds up until I started eating food for comfort from a bad marriage at about age 32.
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It’s pretty hard to work for nothing. I’ve been doing it for a year. Working 17 hours per day 7 days per week only to turn around and have to sell my websites for $600 so I can get my rent paid. When you do the Math, after working on a website for 12 months and then selling it for $600, you come out to $50 per month which is about $1.67 per day, which is about 3 cents an hour at 5 hours spent on the particular site (if I’m doing my Math correctly); so when you realize that you’re working for 3 cents per hour to power other people’s websites with your content it can be upsetting.

Dear Diary, I have just read an article about rich women and how, while the number of rich women has increased in recent years, most of these rich women acquired their wealth through inheritance or divorce. The article could name only 3 women on the Fortune 1000 who earned their wealth as the founder or co-founder of a big company. It has got me wondering, how in the world am I going to become a rich woman? Rich women are either sexy and beautiful, talented or smart and I am none of the above.

If I were sexy or beautiful (and young) then maybe I could hope to become a rich woman through divorce. Of course I would first have to find a rich man and get him to marry me. Or I could become a supermodel and overtake Gisele Bundchen as the most highly paid supermodel of all time. But I’m not sexy and I’m not beautiful.
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